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At The Juncture Of Dilemma

A Part-Timer Now

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Last year in June, I quit my full-time job after I had the trauma of pain in the chest. Soon after that, a swim buddy of mine introduced me to an occasional job that made me ended up in USJ Subang. A casual job that required me to work for only 3 days a week. On each alternate day, I will have to be reported to the office. On every Tuesday and Thursday, I get to rest. In an ordinary full-time job, an employee will have to clock at least a minimum of 42 and-a-half hours for a week. For this job, I work for 25 and-a-half hours only. I get to be paid on a daily basis. If I work on that day, I‘ll get to be paid. If I don’t, my pocket gets no wages for that day.

It was a restless dilemma for me when I first met my present boss asking from him for a position in his accounts department for a part time job. I know without a doubt that working as a part-timer is not a way to stay connected to build a proper career. Unless I work a full-time job, I would not be able to build a proper career. It is vital for me to keep a nonbreak gap of my career history. If I accepted and begin to work as a part-timer, I would have tainted my career history.

An anxiety that perturbed and bogged me down heavy is, because now I have a career history of the period working as a part-timer, I may be viewed by the future employers as having no earnest thought to build a serious work career. I am already 42. To them, why does a serious candidate pursuing his career at a mature age switching to take up a part-time job? For a candidate at 42, he should not at any choice leaving his job lest taking up a part-time job. He should have earned a stabilized income by now.

Before, I already left my jobs several times. I have several career gaps in my employment history. During that time, I went to travel on backpack after I quit my jobs. In my job search, many employers found it difficult to offer a job to me, worried that I may not stay on long. The employers made me understand their intended meaning - living a realistic life. A person’s employment marketability begins to drop at the age of 40. This is how they relate to me. Never think that I have no worries every time I left my job for travel. As the number of times I quit my job, my worries compiled. Finding a suitable new job in the future is getting difficult.

Why do I choose to quit my full-time job? Why now I choose to work as a part-timer? Opportunities of jobs working as an accountant are available out there. Why not pick up a proper full-time job and stay on with it instead of deciding to take up a part-time position?

The heart pain attacked me last year and the diseased relationship among subordinates in the previous job made me left the job. Yes, they have been crude to me. But these reasons are not truer enough being the real cause of reasons why I have a persistent yearning to leave job and travel far away from home. Emotionally in the heart I have not revealed the knot. There is something buried extending far down in the heart that I deeply felt for it. I tried hard to listen to my heart. I hope someone senses and feels the same deeply for me.

My emotion is getting intense day by day that I am hoping one day I can live like the student disciples I have seen in India who have relinquished their household lives. Their living in the ashrams being a student committing to the only learning of religious scriptures and philosophy. Living and Learning in the ashram environment is a great longing I wanted to do.

When I was living in Tiruvannamalai, the Arunachala hill sacred to Lord Shiva, I lived in a rented householder home. Many ashrams do offer a place for disciples to live if they write a request letter and deliver out with some donations. I did not manage to pick my way to live in the ashram although there are an endless number of ashrams in Tiruvannamalai. I waited unless I am ready to feel with inward emotions for the ashram.

My brother asked me, as he understands that I have travelled to various spiritual learning centers in India, “Did you manage to find someone on the spiritual path who can guide you?”. I replied to him saying, “Anyone may find a guru, but it’s essential that I should not make it literally to have a connection with him. The connection with a guru shall arise as a natural cause of connection in the inward between us. It cannot be a makeup. He will be the person who can take care and guide me through in the spiritual process”. I further added on, “I wish one day I will meet a guru. A guru that I can devote to him. I am in the process of searching for him.”

Some people ask, “What is the purpose of living in the ashram?” Living in the ashram is living under the umbrella of the teaching of a guru. People say, you will find a guru when you are ready. Maybe I am not ready for myself yet. I must remember the purpose why I have the strong desirous feeling to relinquish living as a householder.

16 years ago, I was given a reading by a psychic who calculated the numerology chart of my date of birth and into the fine print of the time of my birth. With her supernatural ability to perceive events in the future beyond a normal sensory contact, she made a remark and stated very directly to me, “You will get on with another 3 jobs only after you leave this present employment.” she added further, “You would not want to earn your wages by spending your day sitting at the desk. Your character will lead you away from working on the enclosure of office environment.” She perceived that I will go away from the norm. 16 years ago, I was working as an auditor with an auditing firm. It was my first job. I was contracted to work with the firm and at that period, I was still engaging with the accounting institute to pursue a qualification.

Since the last previous job, it’s getting tough emotional day after day for me to sit at the desk within an enclosure of the office environment. From nine morning, I know I have to report to work. By six evening I wrapped up the job and went home. It became an automating process where I was operating like an automatic machine.

I accept the quality of my character traits. I’m well alert a timid person who does not do a witty trick to win over the hearts of people. Doing a witty trick is seriously a very daunting piece of work for me. Sometimes I tried to be persuasive and creating myself being interesting, but the witty tricks I played just did not work out. It’s my true self I feel at ease and relaxed. If I choose not to be a white collar sitting at the desk at the office, what can I do for a living?

The part-time income is far smaller than the salary I earned before. As long as I am able to make my monthly ends meet, able to pay for my insurance, telephone and credit card bills, I will live with this occasional job till I return from the 2-month leave. I will relay to my boss of my intention to be away from the office for 2 months in this coming August and September. I will only relay the message to him when time is fit. Maybe in late June, I’ll get his permission for the leave from office. The 2 months away from the office will be my moments I can let go and I’ll think about what I can do when I return home.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LM2p8Mr_8z4&list=RDU9OZLuW1x_8&index=27
Tadha tadha janu chha sathi - Narayan Gopal nepali song
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Posted by Quah Khian Hu 16:42 Archived in Malaysia

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