Finding Beauty In The Ugliest Days
26.05.2016 28 °C
I had a career but not now. Last year at this time, I left my job. I had not managed to stay long with this company. I worked there for only half a year. Of my career history, this employment was the shortest stint ever. It was a disconcerting struggle for me to find a reason every morning why I should get to punch my attendance card and be reported at the table by nine o’clock every morning. I woke up in the morning, and I was completely pulled back seeing that I have another long full day to deal with the people that human chemistry just didn’t work out properly among us.
This organization owns itself a 25-storey office building in the prime centre of Kuala Lumpur in Jalan Raja Chulan. It boasts to have employed 250 collar workers including blue-collar and unskilled construction workers to do the building work for its property development projects. I was employed as an accountant overseeing the accounts and finance of the companies within the group.
Working in a group of companies, it is inevitable that we are bound to deal with someone who couldn’t tolerate and get along well with us. I have peers who have had a bad emotional state for me yet I have to tolerate them because I needed them for work. At the expense of my worthy respect, I gave in to them. In my finance department, the grapevine chain was so influential that they tended to create a belief that their voices can overpower their superior. When I say - follow my instructions, they tend to do the work their way.
The subordinates took the guts to challenge me by showing awful faces when I wanted them to do work. That was enough to stupefy me as a sign of emotional attack. When I gave an explanation on how to get the task done, they put on denial mode.
In one evening last year in April, when I was boarding the Masjid Jamek LRT train heading home from the office, I had a sudden attack of crushing pain in the heart. I already had the discomfort in the chest that had been prolonged when I was in the office. I stood by the door of the train while one hand holding on to the handrail, because of the chronic crushing pain, I had another hand forcibly laid and pressed on the chest. I used some force to press on the left chest in the position of the heart. I was hoping to release some pain that had attacked suddenly.
I took an instant long and deep inhalation into the lungs followed by strong exhalation of air out from the lungs. With no delay, I turned my focus on the chakra node of the heart.
Before, I had an experience of respiratory choke that attacked and caused pain on the chest. I posed myself on a kneeling vajrasana where my knees, lower legs and ankles were together and I sat back on the heels. After kneeling on vajrasana, I took to focus on the chakra node and continued to hold on to the chakra as a point of convergence of my breath. Slowly I breathed in and exhaled out in a strong, regular and repeated pattern for some while. As I began to feel some release from the choke, I rested. After a while, I continued the breathing in a rhythmic pattern again until I was eased from the choke.
But this time, the crushing pain in the heart is not associated with the respiratory choke.
The train rattled its way off from the city centre to the suburban residential area where I live. I was still standing on the train hoping to reach home quickly.
The agony of pain turned not bearable. I had not before suffered from this kind of crushing pain in the heart. I ruled out any blood vessel problem.
I knew I have been living under some chronic level of mental stress caused by the ill-emotional relationship with the office peers and subordinates, and also working the way to meet the series of crucial reporting deadlines that the finance department could not afford not to abide.
That night, I went to the general practitioner to do an ECG scan. The doctor reviewed the records of the electrical activity of the heart generated by the ECG machine. The doctor detected no signs of heart attack. During the ECG scan, the crushing pain in the heart had already completely receded.
“You should come immediately to do the ECG scan when you begin to feel pain in the heart. The ECG machine is able to scan for any malfunction in the heart when there is a pain. Now I read the ECG report as normal”, uttered the doctor. “Mental stress that causing pain in the heart is also another type of heart attack”, said the doctor who wanted me to take wellness of mental stress as seriously as blood vessel problem that clogged the heart. I knew the intended meaning of the doctor. The crushing attack in the heart was believed to be a mild heart attack. I am now a patient of the heart attack at 41. I have to look inward before deciding my next step of how I wanted to live my life.
One year apart, I hold no blame on the 2 executives who worked in my department. They held diseased grudges and emotions to dislike my presence in the office. Instead, I have a regret that we were not able to build any good feelings while I was there. No one is blameworthy. If I do a witty trick to win over the hearts of people and being persuasive and creating myself being interesting enough, I may overcome more flaws for better work relationship. I know myself. I am not capable of doing so. I do not have that gift of a gab. I am an introvert who turns inward mentally. I often avoid large groups of people and feeling more energized by time alone.
Working as a group accountant, inevitably the position requires me to meet many demanding reporting deadlines causing plentiful stress. The position will work well with a receive of great support from the team. If the subordinates were caught in the emotional distress with me, work will not be delivered. The mental stress level is heightened.
I have no career now. I am only on a 3-day week work as a part timer with a small company. The income I receive from working as a part timer is only a meagre return, it is capable at least helping me to make ends meet. I spend no much or luxury.
I am able to energize myself well by time alone. Of the dull days, I am looking forward to seeking the beauties of Nepal. Travel solo is the moment I cherished more than having a companion.
Narayan Gopal is a prominent singer and composer of Nepali songs, who has died in 1990 at the age of 51. Hope you like his songs as much as I do.